The Book of Bastards Read online

  THE BOOK OF

  BASTARDS

  101 WORST

  Scoundrels

  and Scandals

  FROM THE WORLD OF

  POLITICS

  AND POWER

  BRIAN THORNTON

  Copyright © 2010 by Brian Thornton

  All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any

  form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are

  made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

  Published by

  Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

  57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

  www.adamsmedia.com

  ISBN 10: 1-4405-0370-2

  ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0370-2

  eISBN 10: 1-4405-0738-4

  eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0738-0

  Printed in the United States of America.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Thornton, Brian

  Book of bastards / Brian Thornton.

  p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references and index.

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-0370-2 (alk. paper)

  ISBN-10: 1-4405-0370-2 (alk. paper)

  ISBN-13: 978-1-4405-0738-0 (e)

  ISBN-10: 1-4405-0738-4 (e)

  1. United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 2. Politicians — United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 3. Presidents — United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 4. Legislators — United States — Biography — Miscellanea. 5. United States — Politics and government — Miscellanea. 6. United States — History — Miscellanea. I. Title.

  E176.T575 2010

  973.0929 — dc22

  2010009948

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

  — From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

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  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  A book is a collaborative work, no matter how many names appear on the cover. This book is no different, and I have a lot of people to thank.

  First, to Robyn: thank you for your help with the vetting of our cast of singular villains, for your feedback on so many of these entries, and especially for your spirited defense of Thomas Jefferson right to the very end. Most importantly, thank you for marrying me. This book is dedicated to you.

  Thanks also to Joe Hylkema: your research and suggestions (especially surrounding the Enron mess) in support of the later pages of this book was invaluable. You make a much better skeptic than you ever did a “true believer,” pal.

  To my parents, Hal and Berniece, and my brother, Paul: thanks for putting up with this project and the way it consumed whole conversations at so many family gatherings. I am truly blessed to have family like you.

  To my editor and my friend, Paula Munier at Adams Media, who gave me my first book contract six years ago, and whose enthusiasm for this book has never flagged since I first pitched the idea to her. Thanks Paula, and to all the people at Adams Media. You're a great bunch.

  CONTENTS

  LORD DE LA WARR:

  How to Steal Land from the Indians and Keep It “Legal” (1577–1618)

  THE PURITANS:

  Not Just More Pilgrims

  THOMAS PENN:

  The Pennsylvania Walking Purchase, or How to Steal Land from the Indians and Keep It “Legal”: The Sequel (1702–1775)

  NATHANIEL BACON:

  His Rebellion (ca. 1640–1676)

  JAMES DELANCEY:

  Graft in New York: The Early Years (1703–1760)

  GEORGE WASHINGTON:

  Tenth Commandment? What Tenth Commandment? (1732–1799)

  BENEDICT ARNOLD:

  America's First Traitor (1741–1801)

  HORATIO GATES:

  The “Conway Cabal” and the Plot to “Get Rid” of George Washington (ca. 1727–1806)

  ALEXANDER HAMILTON:

  The Bastard on the Ten-Dollar Bill (ca. 1755–1804)

  JOHN RUTLEDGE:

  JWI (Judging While Insane) (1739–1800)

  WILLIAM BLOUNT:

  Trying to Sell the Southwest to the Spanish (1749–1800)

  JAMES WILSON:

  Swindler, Yazoo Land Scammer, U.S. Supreme Court Justice (1742–1798)

  JOHN ADAMS:

  “His Rotundity” and the Alien & Sedition Acts (1737–1826)

  THOMAS JEFFERSON:

  The Slave Who Bore His Children (1743–1826)

  JOHN PICKERING:

  JWI (Judging While Impaired) (1737–1805)

  SAMUEL CHASE:

  “Old Bacon Face” — an Unimpeachable Bastard (1741–1811)

  JAMES WILKINSON:

  A New and Improved Benedict Arnold (1755–1825)

  AARON BURR:

  Successful Duelist and Failed Secessionist (1756–1836)

  THE FEDERALISTS:

  The Hartford Convention and the Lousy Timing of Treason (1814)

  HENRY CLAY:

  The “Corrupt Bargain” and the Election of 1824 (1777–1852)

  KING MOB:

  The Inauguration Day Trashing of the White House (1829)

  ANDREW JACKSON:

  “King Andrew I” (1767–1845)

  JOHN C. CALHOUN:

  Secretary of War, Senator, Vice President, Traitor! (1782–1850)

  JOHN AND PEGGY EATON:

  Washington's Original “Baby Daddy” Scandal (1790–1856)

  MATTHIAS THE PROPHET:

  Wholly Fraud (1778–1841?)

  MARTIN VAN BUREN:

  The Original Herbert Hoover (1782–1862)

  SWARTWOUT-HOYT:

  Gesundheit! (1783–1856)

  RICHARD JOHNSON:

  The U.S. Vice President Married to His Own Slave (1780–1850)

  JOHN TYLER:

  Dirty Old President (1790–1862)

  ABEL P. UPSHUR:

  Texas Redbacks and Currency Manipulation (1790–1844)

  JAMES BUCHANAN:

  America's First Gay President (1791–1868)

  WILLIAM WALKER:

  When “Filibuster” Was More than Just a Word (1824–1860)

  DAN SICKLES:

  The Temporary Insanity Defense (1819–1914)

  DAVID C. BRODERICK:

  The Only Senator Killed in a Duel (1820–1859)

  SIMON CAMERON:

  Secretary of War Profiteering (1799–1889)

  ULYSSES S. GRANT:

  Drunk on Duty (1822–1885)

  WILLIAM MARCY TWEED:

  Honest Graft and Dishonest Graft (1823–1878)

  JAY GOULD:

  The Bastard Who Caused “Black Friday” (1836–1892)

  OAKES AMES:

  The “King of Spades” and the Crédit Mobilier of America Scandal (1804–1873)

  WILLIAM ADAMS RICHARDSON:

  Incompetent Like a Fox (1821–1896)

  BENJAMIN H. BRISTOW:

  Breaking the “Whiskey Ring” (1832–
1896)

  WILLIAM BELKNAP:

  How Your Dead Wife Can Get You Impeached (1829–1890)

  CONGRESS, PART I:

  The Salary Grab Act (1775– )

  ANDREW CARNEGIE:

  “Conscience Money” in Action (1835–1919)

  HENRY CLAY FRICK:

  Everything but Plagues of Locusts (1849–1919)

  J. P. MORGAN:

  International Banker and Millionaire War Profiteer (1837–1913)

  RUTHERFORD B. HAYES:

  The Stolen Election of 1876 (1822–1893)

  GROVER CLEVELAND:

  Producing His Own Bastard (1837–1908)

  JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER:

  “The Octopus” (1839–1937)

  WILLIAM LORIMER:

  The “Blond Boss of Chicago” Bribing His Way into the U.S. Senate (1861–1934)

  WOODROW WILSON:

  Enlightened President and Just Another White Southern Racist (1856–1924)

  HARRY M. DAUGHERTY:

  U.S. Attorney General and All-Around Thief (1860–1941)

  WARREN G. HARDING:

  Getting Hard in the White House Phone Booth (1865–1923)

  ALBERT FALL:

  Teapot Dome and the Original “Fall” Guy (1861–1944)

  HUEY LONG:

  The Kingfish (1893–1935)

  HARRY S. TRUMAN:

  The “Senator from Pendergast” (1884–1972)

  STROM THURMOND:

  Racist in Public; “Integrationist” Behind Closed Doors (1902–2003)

  ALLEN DULLES:

  Defying the Popular Will (1893–1969)

  RICHARD J. DALEY:

  The “Last Boss”(1902–1976)

  JOE MCCARTHY:

  America's Witch-Hunter-in-Chief (1908–1957)

  JFK:

  “Fiddle and Faddle” (1917–1963)

  LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON:

  Bathroom Power Politics (1908–1973)

  ADAM CLAYTON POWELL, JR.:

  His Own Replacement in Congress (1908–1972)

  ABE FORTAS:

  Your Personal Supreme Court Justice — for a $20,000 Fee (1910–1982)

  RICHARD HELMS:

  Perjury as the Price of Honor (1913–2002)

  DANIEL ELLSBERG:

  “The Most Dangerous Man in America” (1931– )

  SPIRO AGNEW:

  Bribery Brouhaha Brings Down Babbling, Bloviating Bastard (1918–1996)

  RICHARD M. NIXON:

  Impeachable Bastard (1913–1994)

  JOHN CONNALLY:

  The “Texas Tip” (1917–1993)

  WILLIAM CASEY:

  Iran-Contra's Conveniently Dead Fall Guy (1913–1987)

  ED MEESE:

  Attorney General as Consigliore, Part I (1931– )

  ABSCAM:

  Congressmen and the Size of Their Pockets

  MICHAEL DEAVER:

  The Medium Is the Message (1938–2007)

  THE S&LS:

  A Gang of Rogues

  CHARLES KEATING:

  Millionaire Owner of the “Keating Five” (1923– )

  LYN NOFZIGER:

  The Wedtech Wonder (1924–2006)

  OLIVER NORTH:

  Hiding Iran-Contra Behind Fawn Hall's Skirts (and Her Underwear!) (1943– )

  JIM WRIGHT:

  Selling Books Will Lose You Your Congressional Seat (1922– )

  DAN ROSTENKOWSKI:

  Postage Stamps for Cash as the Tip of the Graftberg (1928– )

  CAROL MOSELEY BRAUN:

  First Black Female U.S. Senator, Welfare Cheat (1947– )

  BILL CLINTON:

  The Poobah of Bubbah Politics (1946– )

  HILLARY CLINTON:

  “Two for the Price of One” (1947– )

  CONGRESS, PART II:

  The House Banking Scandal (1775– )

  KENNETH STARR:

  The Grand Inquisitor (1946– )

  NEWT GINGRICH:

  The Wages of Karma (1943– )

  KATHERINE HARRIS:

  Lipstick and the Pig (1957– )

  MARC RICH:

  How to Buy a Presidential Pardon (1934– )

  DICK CHENEY:

  Torturer-in-Chief (1941– )

  COLIN POWELL:

  “Weapons of Mass Destruction” and the Selling of the Iraq War (1937– )

  GEORGE W. BUSH:

  The Rush to Judgment (1946– )

  JOHN YOO:

  A Torquemada for All Americans (1967– )

  KEN LAY AND ENRON:

  “Business Ethics” for the New Millennium (1942–2006)

  DAVID VITTER:

  Sometimes a Senator Just Needs a Diaper (1961– )

  SCOOTER LIBBY:

  When Lying Really Does Have Consequences (1950– )

  ALBERTO GONZALES:

  Attorney General as Consigliore, Part II (1955– )

  ELIOT SPITZER:

  Hookergate (1959– )

  TOM DELAY:

  The “Hammer” Gets Nailed (1947– )

  KARL ROVE:

  “Just Get Me a Fucking Faith-Based Thing. Got It?” (1950– )

  SARAH PALIN:

  'Nuff Said! (1964– )

  MARK SANFORD:

  The Wages of Hypocrisy (1960– )

  JOHN EDWARDS:

  The End of the “Breck Girl” (1953– )

  INTRODUCTION

  The German poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote: “If my devils are to leave me, I am afraid my angels will take flight as well.” It is a testament to the duality of human nature that notions such as “good” and “evil” have little meaning without their opposite number to lend them context.

  It is also true that human beings tend to be mixed bags. Evil people can acknowledge truth and beauty, and of course be moved to acts of kindness: the Roman emperor Nero loved the arts, Adolf Hitler adored children and dogs, and so on. The opposite is also the case. You'll find among the thoroughgoing bastards who populate the pages of this book some truly “Great Men” in the classical meaning of the phrase.

  And while it's true that J. Pierpont Morgan was a silver-spoon-sucking son-of-a-bitch who cheated his own government by selling them defective rifles during wartime, he also helped found the Metropolitan Museum of Art so that people who could never dream of purchasing one of the statues that populate that institution's Greek and Roman wing could enjoy these testaments to human creativity as he did.

  In many cases the tales of bastardry contained herein will titillate, perhaps even scandalize the reader. In others, where the “bastard” in question has an otherwise positive image, the revelation of that person's “bastard” side will hopefully offer some context to the character of the “bastard” in question.

  After all, everyone loves hearing about an out-and-out bastard. That's likely because everyone has a little bit of the bastard in them: and some of our greatest leaders have allowed their “inner bastard” to inform their decisions for both good and ill. In this book you'll find some outright bastards with no redeeming qualities. You'll also find some otherwise good people who let their “inner bastard” get the better of them.

  Devils or angels, in the end it's all about the choices.

  1

  LORD DE LA WARR

  How to Steal Land from the Indians and Keep It “Legal” (1577–1618)

  “A more damned crew hell never vomited.”

  — George Sandys, Virginia Company treasurer, on the quality of the settlers at Jamestown in 1623

  One of history's most time-honored ways to acquire property is to simply take it from others. Depending on who tells the story, this is usually described as either “conquest” or as “theft.” No country lacks a land grab story, and the United States is no exception. With this longstanding tradition in mind, it only makes sense to start off a book documenting corrupt practices in America with the burn-and-kill tactics of Jamestown governor Lord De La Warr.

  In a matter of three short years, England's Jamestown colon
y lost all but sixty of its original settlers to disease, starvation, and more frequent Indian attacks. Only the timely arrival of newly appointed governor Thomas West, Lord De La Warr, kept the original colonists from leaving the site. Our first bastard landed with provisions and backup, ready to save the New World.

  BASTARD BACKGROUND

  In the centuries before Columbus, Native Americans fought for the best land, pretty much like anyone else. The Celts, Romans, Aryans, and Persians are just a few Old World counterparts known for taking what wasn't rightfully theirs. By the time Europeans began to explore the Americas, stealing land was a normal part of human history. The first English settlers, however, weren't your typical honest, hard-working colonists. Most of the five hundred men who came to the New World were so-called “gentlemen,” second sons (if that) of landed aristocrats. In reality this bunch of lazy, mean-spirited bastards were only interested in finding hoards of Indian gold as the Spanish had in Mexico and Peru. These first English settlers were brutal, ignorant, and land-hungry, scornful of the “inferior” Indians; the Indians for their part returned the compliments. You can guess what happened next.